So much for writing every day or every week =/

Among all the other things happening in my life, my parentals are parting ways. It was a long time coming, and since this isn’t my Mom’s blog (even though I talk about her a whole lot), I won’t delve too deeply into the details. We’ve been living together as a trio for what seems like forever and now after all this time, it’s just going to be me and Moms. It’s crazy. I’m really excited and relieved to have my own space again (even though I have my own space as far as my room is concerned, it’s nice to know I can venture out into the living room without worrying about my Stepdad and his poor choice in television shows (he’s a Fox News dude) bothering the HELL out of me) and be able to cook and have dinner without worrying about someone being in the way.

I’ve been prepping my Mom for this whole thing by explaining that this is her space not, our space, but her space. This is going to be her place in a year or so, so I’m taking kind of a step back from suggestions and letting her do whatever she wants with the space (as long as it isn’t hideous and mismatched). I am glad though that it’s just going to be me and her finally. This has been a long time coming, and the reality of it for her is that she finally has ownership of her space. Hopefully she can make some moves to really improve her quality of life on her own, and not so much because of me.

That’s all I really want for her. She’s close to retirement age in the next decade or so, so I really want her to be taken care of when everything is said and done. Although I have no issues providing for her as far as her living arrangements are concerned, I don’t want to be the one financially responsible for her. The weird thing about it that I never thought was true was that she doesn’t want that to be the case either. As reliant as she’s been on me all these years, I think part of it has bruised her ego a bit (which I’m kind of glad for). She’s okay with me helping to a certain extent, but she knows that it’s time to do things in her life for herself. Only she can make things better for herself.

As my Stepdad is slowly moving out, I’ve realized that my Mom’s a bit of a packrat (I see where I potentially got it from) I had her go through her stuff and throw away as much as she could. I didn’t help her either. I swear to higher beings, sometimes I am parenting a teenagers. When did this happen? When did I become the adult and her the child? I’m not sure, but maybe David is right… and it’s always been this way, I just never noticed.

As for me, everything is peachy keen. For the most part anyway. Still dealing with change and still just mulling around before work starts again. I’ve been fortunate to pick up some hours to work so I have an August paycheck coming my way. I’m packing in August with lots of fun stuff before work starts and a little bit of me is antsy to get started with the school year already. I enjoy the free time, but the grind as crazy as it is keeps me really sane.

This is short and sweet for now, but I’ll update you later on other stuff…

Tags: 28, adulthood, growing up

Me and Moms on one of my first trips to Disneyland!

I’ve probably mentioned this countless amounts of time here on this blog, but I don’t have one of those typical mother-daughter relationships with my Mom. I wouldn’t go as far as to say that we don’t get along, but for all the props I get about being a patient person, a lot of that fizzles when it comes to her.

I don’t mean to be impatient with her, I know that a lot of this stems from my bitterness about being home still and having this huge responsibility of making sure we have a roof over our head. I’ve always kind of bit the bullet for our needs as a family versus my own needs. For as long as I remember, I’ve been forced into this us mentality whether I wanted that to be the case or not.

I know that it makes her sad though that we don’t have this close relationship. My relationship with my God Mother is probably the relationship that my Mom wishes we had. For some reason, that’s where all the adult friendship energy went to. In college, my God Mother would be the one I would talk to about boys, school and life in general and I guess because I filled that with her, I didn’t bother to get that from my Mom.

The thing is, my Mom and I are like night and day. We’re so different it’s crazy. People have gone as far as to say, “If you guys didn’t look alike, I probably wouldn’t have thought she was your daughter.” We’re just so, so different that that makes talking to her and getting to know her on an adult level insanely difficult. It’s not like our personalities conflict, we just have very different ones that need more work to mesh well together. Even though that’s the case, I know that I’m not making the effort to take our relationship to this level of friendship. She tries, but I just blow her off and I know that’s really wrong of me and I feel horrible for that.

Last night while getting ready for my run, my Mom asked if she could go with me. She’d spent most of the day at home, and she wanted to get out of the house. Normally, I would try to talk her out of it, and really give the attitude of I can’t be bothered with her while I’m trying to run, but this time I warmly welcomed her on my fitness route and we headed to The Bowl for some exercise.

Although I didn’t get to run, I was happy to get to talk to her. She asked about everything going on, with my friends and our situation together. I also talked to her about my future plans for moving out, how I’m trying to save money and how I’m serious about losing weight this time around. I’m sad to say that this is probably one of the few times I could actually talk to her candidly about my life as an adult.

We often fall into parental roles with each other, her nagging me to do something, and me doing the same. I feel that because I get so fixated on the bitterness of being here at home, I forget that she’s still my  Mom and she still the best intentions in mind for me and she’s sorry for all the responsibilities she’s bestowed upon me because of her life situations. I know that she didn’t mean for it to be this way, but she’s really trying hard to get back on her feet.

My Mom has been though a crazy life since she came here from The Philippines as a young child. When I was growing up she really was the Boss Lady of our household. In high school, when my parents got divorce and she got laid off, that’s when everything started going downhill. Blow after blow, despite the hardships she’s been through she’s always managed to bounce back. I’m trying to encourage her to be optimistic about the future. With my Grandma dying last year and other misfortunes she’s endured the last two years her fighting mentality has softened a bit. I was starting to worry that my Mom wouldn’t be that Boss Lady I remember growing up with. I guess that’s why her attitude the last couple years has been frustrating to deal with, because I’ve been so accustomed to her being a fighter.

I addressed this a little bit last night. I told her that she needs to start planning out her future. She’s hitting retirement in the next 15 years, so she’s going to have to make sure there’s a little bit of a nest egg waiting for her. I also told her to stay positive for whats to come. Our living situation is going to improve greatly in the next few months and I think that’s going to help her mood a lot. I think hearing me reassure her that everything will be better with some work, made her feel a little more confident of her abilities to change her life on her own… not because I’m helping her.

Of course… I’m not going to think that this one walk miraculously changed our relationship forever. Who knows, it might have been a fluke night, but it gave me a little hope that it’s possible to work on this and make our relationship better.

Tags: 28, A Better Me, Family, Life, Mother-Daughter

Photo Booth Craziness!

In this day and age of Facebook and other various social media outlets, high school reunions seem obsolete. No one needs to physically see you and catch up with you because it’s so much easier to just Facebook stalk someone and find out all the information you need to know. One click of a button, if you fancied to do so, you could say hello and get a quick update on how that person was doing. It’s been relatively easy keeping up with my classmates from high school because I’m friends with most of them on FB.

Our reunion reminders started coming out the beginning of the year. A good friend of Mei’s was the event planner so we were constantly updated on how things were going and who was going to attend. I was on the fence, because September of last year I saw most of my high school class in Las Vegas. I really didn’t need the reuniting factor of everything because there was nothing to reunite. Everyone was still around (or easily found at local spots we frequent around the area). I was cool either way, and it ended up being an I’ll go if you go situation between me and Mei.

In a last minute decision, after deciding that it was no use in going, Mei convinced me and our other friend Tony to attend the event. I have to admit, I’m pretty sure that if I didn’t go I would have felt like I missed out (even if it was just going to be me hanging out with the friends that I already had) so after making our last minute decision, I was really excited about attending. For an event like this, I’d normally stress out about the dress shopping, but even the dress shopping was easy and successful than expected. All signs definitely pointed to going!

I was pretty popular in high school. (I hate to admit that, but recently a friend decided to call me out on this fact because I didn’t know him at all in high school) Not quite Homecoming Queen, but not quite the one who just got lost in the crowd. David and I like to call the social status my friends and I belonged to as “The upper tier of the social pyramid.” In addition to that I had one of those quintessential high school lives. I was active in school, teachers (most of them) liked me and it often felt like scenes out of one of those 80s teen movies. When I walk around my new high school in teacher mode, I feel really sad that my students don’t get the high school life feel that I had while growing up. Even if we weren’t going to go, I knew that if we did, we’d have a blast.

And we did! I haven’t had a crazy night like that in a while. Although I did a majority of my hanging out with people in my immediate clique, it was fun catching up with people that I used to talk to a lot in high school, but bump into here and there in my current life. I regret not catching up with everyone but the people who I wanted to catch up with and see were there so it made the night all better.

We haven’t really changed though. We’re more polished and have bank accounts, but we’re still our high school personas to a certain extent. Even though it was an event to catch up with out classmates, everyone was still grouped up with who they knew and still regularly hung out with. What made me proud about the group that I hung out with that night was that it really truly felt like a uniting of groups. Mei said it best, “did you ever think in high school the gangster guy and the biggest nerd would be doing shots together at a club?” I feel that even though we haven’t changed much and we still very much may be the people we were in high school, for one night (and hopefully forever) we left behind the social divisions and we just had fun.

For me personally, I had two major issues about going. I knew going to reunion would stir up a lot of comments on how I look now. Although I’m not half my size (which some girls were, which was like looked at in a more negative connotation that in a positive one much to my surprise) I know I look a lot better now than I did in high school. Of course, that’s supposed to be a good thing, but it still makes me feel a bit insecure about myself even though it’s just confirming that what I have been doing has been successful. I got a lot of comments on my hair and just overall appearance. Make up and hair dye make a huge difference I guess =) And even though, I know that a lot has changed since 10 years ago (in high school, I was really plain. No make up and a t-shirt and jeans kind of girl), I still feel a little offended about looking better now which I know is a really stupid reaction. I still can’t help but feel offended and realizing there’s a lot more work to do. I don’t think I’m ever going to learn how to take a compliment in this area of my life.

The other thing was the comments on my career. I know that I should be proud to get all these accolades for being a teacher, but whenever someone gives me props for doing what I do, I feel that in a way they feel sorry for me. Like Oh you picked the career that pays crap… that’s so noble of you! I don’t need sympathy for the profession I picked because it’s my career choice and I love what I do. When people get all gushy about me being a teacher, I’m like ready to cut them off and just move the attention to something else. It’s not a big deal folks! Seriously. I’m not giving you sympathy because you decided to be a pharmacist so you really shouldn’t do the same.

There were a handful of people who just didn’t seem happy to be there, or a little uncomfortable in their skin. I think that there was something in the reunion setting that they were looking for and they didn’t quite get. That was the sad part about it, just like me and the comments about my looks, I think a lot of us are still insecure about how we were in high school, and we’re afraid that as much as we’ve changed, we’re still going to be seen as that person we don’t want to be anymore. I know I feel that for myself. As much as I change as an adult, I guess I’m afraid to be remembered as the chubby plain jane with no fashion sense. One person that comes to mind is extremely successful in his career, looked great and has been a home owner for the last six years and even when we invited him to hang with us while one of my friends smoked, he felt awkward that the invitation was given and didn’t come along. I wish he just got over the weirdness and enjoyed the night =(

All in all it was a blast! Some other acquaintances in high school were having a birthday party in Hollywood so Mei and our boy posse headed out for some after party fun! Although I don’t know if we’ll really hold up our bargain for hanging out after reunion, all cliques aside, I’m glad we had one fun night together! It was nice revisiting high school for one night, and I hope we can do it again soon.

Tags: 28, growing up, Life

My favorite Yoga teacher who doesn't teach at Yoga House Anymore =(

Week three came and went, and seriously I didn’t even struggle this time. The meals were easier to make and everything came kind of human nature. I’m actually really surprised at how easy everything has been. I still get the cravings though which I’m sure don’t ever really go away, but it was a lot more natural this week then it has been the first two weeks.

Except for on Saturday.

Late night clubbing Friday night, turned into early morning eating on Saturday. My Girl Ellen wanted to go to my FAVORITE spot in the area for late night grub, so I really couldn’t decline. When we got there, I was a little sad because all my favorite dishes have all this meat in them. Ellen was lecturing me about iron and not getting enough of it and I should just cheat (since I’d been doing so well) so I did get one of my favorite meat dishes. I ate not as much as I usually eat and Ellen took home the left overs. I didn’t feel so bad.

That night, I had a dream that I ate the best tasting fried chicken ever. It was INSANELY real. Like one of those dreams that feel like it’s really happening even when you know it’s just a dream. I had to buy it from like a supermarket and like I got the last piece and it literally was the best tasting chicken I ever ate in my life! I woke up not thinking I would continue the meat cheat, but I ended up eating meat on Saturday because of this intense chicken dream.

I guess the key word for this week was, effortless. Despite Saturday’s cheat the attempt to be vegetarian wasn’t really an attempt, which I liked. I like it a lot and I love when they’re options to take advantage of, but the thing that made it the easiest to maintain this week was the fact that I cooked more. By cooking, it was easy to think of what to eat and not worry about what to eat when I’m out.

Week Three Cheat/Pescatarian Tally
Mega meat cheat on Saturday 7/10, but other than that meat free! =D

Another 6/7 vegetarian week!

I’ve been meaning to post about my fitness routine that’s be going hand and hand with my diet. This week I amped up my fitness routine. I started running again on Saturday, and I’ve been trying to hike around The Rose Bowl along with running and yoga. On Wednesday I was exhausted because the heat and the running just didn’t really match well together. My body went from casual walks around the bowl to full on six mile running again, which should have happened gradually (my bad) I should have started off a bit easier.

The yoga has been helping a lot as my weight training. I love yoga for that. Although I don’t look like a yoga instructor I can feel myself getting stronger. When you practice yoga, you’re holding up your own weight, so instead of you doing reps of like 30 against a 30 pound weight, your body is holding up 100+ pounds with each yoga move. Sure, it’s spread throughout your toes/legs and your hands/arms, but it’s still a pretty buff workout.

I’m trying to go three times a week. So far I’ve been twice this week. I found classes at my gym that really give me that “studio yoga” experience. Pictured above is Carolyn Sachs. She was my ABSOLUTE favorite yoga instructor at Yoga House. I never really talked to her, but I loved her classes and the way she taught! She just made it fun and not so frou frou. It really became your own practice. I checked the Yoga House schedule to see if she was there, but she’s not anymore!!! I’m so bummed out. Carolyn — if you’re reading this, you’re awesome! Thanks for being such a cool teacher! I hope I can find her again. Anyhow… because of my summer financial constraints, I couldn’t really reason paying for studio yoga when I could afford to find the good yoga classes through my gym membership. Since I have the time to go to areas where yoga is a big deal (hometown yoga classes aren’t as good as classes on the Westside or Hollywood), my gym offers better classes in these areas. I hate that that’s the case, but at least I can go somewhere regularly, and not have to pay an arm and a leg.

When I get lazy, I start to look at my arms. Because I had not been going for a while, I forgot the obvious physical benefits of yoga. Today, I really wanted to stay home and do nothing, but I looked at my arms and saw that the “yoga bends” are coming back (I think it’s like a triceps bend… I’m not sure hehe!) It’s not a hard line, but it’s getting there. I need to just keep at it because it’s only been two weeks and it’s back, imagine how buff I’ll look by the end of the summer?! I had to hop a wall to get on one of the hiking trails near the bowl, and I even shocked myself with how easy I was able to pick myself up with my arm strength alone. It’s not amazing, but it’s getting there!

I get really discouraged, it doesn’t happen a lot, but when it does I’m really hard on myself. I try to keep things in perspective. I’ve come really far from where I was. I know that I’ve obviously lost weight since I graduated from high school, but I get really fixated on a number or a look and I get frustrated. I need to remind myself that this is a lifestyle change and that my body will be in the shape it’s supposed to be in without having to force it to be there. I kept pushing myself earlier this week to run harder, hold yoga positions longer and four days of hard fitness really took it’s toll on my body. I wasn’t pushing myself too hard, but it was too much all at once. I need to build up to the harder workouts and plan my runs better and stretch longer. I need to slow down a bit, it’s gonna happen if I’m serious about it happening, I just can’t force myself to zoom to my body destination.

On the food tip, I actually started a food journal. I’ve done one before, but this time, it’s not calorie counting, it’s just a list of things I’ve eaten. Believe what they say about food journals, it really does make you more conscious of what you eat. Plus, you don’t want to keep writing in whatever you’re writing in over and over whenever you eat something. I think a little bit of that makes you eat less. Since I’ve been trying to get back on a morning schedule, I’ve been eating breakfast which is EXTREMELY helpful. When I have breakfast, I don’t overeat or snack. I need to remember that!

I’m getting there and I’ve come a long way! This year, I’m really determined to meet all my ultimate fitness goals. I know that as of now, I’m in the best shape I’ve been in, in my adult life. I just need to stay focused. I’m glad I’m off to a great start! =)

Tags: 28, A Better Me, Adventures in Vegetarianism, Health and Fitness

What happens after everything gets stable?

I am happy with my career choice.

I really am, I think that I’m one of the few people out there who actually say that their 9-5 keeps them full and loving life. Although my career and I didn’t always feel this way about each other, this past year has changed my perspective on things and my view on how to sustain some type of sanity in this crazy world of education became a lot clearer. I love it and I’m happy and I’m pretty sure I’ll be doing this for the next ten years (at least), but as the summer has removed me from my work world, I can’t help but feel antsy for more then just my classroom and my little high school home I’ve developed for myself these last three years.

Even talking about it makes me feel guilty. I can already hear the clamors of teachers saying that, “At least you have a job?!” Well yes, at least I have a job, I have a spot, I have a place and it’s my place and for the time being this place is going to be mine and mine alone, but as great as that is, the stability of it all scares me to death (is this some kind of growing pain they didn’t warn me about?). I don’t know if it’s just the place in my life I’m in right now (transitioning and changing) or if it’s just me being afraid of commitment. Who knows, but just because I enjoy what I do and I like what I do doesn’t mean that I shouldn’t want more or do more.

Right?

This has always been the main issue I’ve had with teaching. It’s not that I didn’t want to be a teacher, because I know deep down in my heart that this is the career I should have. When I’m in the classroom I know that’s where I should be, but even though I’m in a great place, my fear is the complacency of it all. That because I’ve transitioned so well into the career that I’ll forget about all the other stuff that I was really interested in.

The question is, what exactly is all the other stuff is now. I know I want something else to be happening, but I don’t know how to get it or what there is to get. When I was way younger, I could easily have said that the other stuff was musical journalism. Despite my frantic desire to just finish college and get the heck out of poverty, my pipe dream of one day being able to interview the “it” urban artist of the moment has never really been put at bay.  Now that I’m older, and envious of careers like the one Danyel Smith has and I can’t help but feel like there’s so much more creative energy I could be sharing with the world. The thing is… I’m not quite sure how to share it, and what vehicle of sharing will be in place to actually share it.

I guess that’s what all this free time over the summer is for.

I have to keep reminding myself that it doesn’t stop here it will if I let it, but there’s so much more world to conquer and lots of time to get it done. How and what will be done, well… that’s another story, I’ll have to marinate on that one for a little bit, but I know it’ll definitely involve writing somehow.

I hope anyway.

Tags: 28, A Better Me, creative process, growing up

Especially good because it was made with love by my CSUN GF! =)

Week Two was a hit! I’m very very proud of myself because I actually did a great job of sticking to the absolutely no meat goal that I set for myself the previous week. I’m especially proud of myself because it was 4th of July weekend so it was a crazy weekend of potentially gorging myself out on BBQ. I declined nicely many times over the weekend, so it was a great success!

The difference this week from last week was my focus on the diet change alone, and not my fitness regimen. In the midst of going vegetarian over the summer, I’m also kicking my fitness plan back into quadruple full swing. Last week consisted of working out a lot more than I did the last three weeks of work, and trying to get this whole vegetarianism thing under wraps. I admit that the two together made it really tough because I was hungry for probably two reasons. I was pushing myself too much on both ends, and I realized that if I was going to have to focus on one first, before I could add on the other task. This week, I decided to focus on the vegetarianism and really get this into gear so that this coming week, I can start fitting in my fitness regimen.

I’ll admit that I probably wasn’t eating enough last week. This week my meals have been hardier and still very veggie heavy. I’m probably eating more carbs then I should, but I haven’t noticed any weight gain. It was really easy this week. Aside from Friday (pescatarian cheat) I managed to really just eat vegetarian. I even had a Vegan Burger on the 4th of July while at the beach courtesy of The Green Truck. It was delish! The highlight of the week were two things. Sam Woo and veggie chow mein and deep fried tofu (without the shrimp paste!) and the second was my CSUN GF making me a home cooked meal of Soy Chorizo tacos. IT wasn’t even for me, it was something that she makes on the regular! =D

I still feel bad about putting people out though. On Thursday, my friend Jay and I went to dinner and I know that he felt a little guilty ordering his steak sandwich for dinner. I told him that I didn’t care! I really don’t care! Eat all the meat you want! This is a decision I made, and I don’t feel that other people should feel bad about the decisions that they make. Plus, it’s just food. It’s really no biggy!

Moms is still really hilarious when it comes to all this. She’s adjusting, but still unsure about what my rules are when it comes to eating out with her. On Monday, we spent most of the day together and she wanted to go to lunch. My Mom is a VERY picky eater and she looks for certain taste in her food even if we’re eating the genre of food she asked for. For example, if we’re going for Chinese food, she wants food similar to her favorite restaurant in Chinatown, whereas I’m ok with whatever because it’s all pretty similar. I was ok to take advantage of my pescatarian cheat because I made it through the weekend without any meat at all. She wanted to eat Boiling Crab and I said I’d be ok to eat that, but then she changed her mind and said that she wanted Sam Woo. She asked if I’d eat fish there with her, and I told her if we eat there, I’m going to eat vegetarian (just because I could) and she kept suggesting seafood dishes and I told her I wouldn’t eat that stuff. She kept saying, “But that’s not meat!” I didn’t want to reason with her that it was so I just told her I wasn’t going to eat that.

We ate a very vegetarian lunch that consisted of veggie chow mein, deep fried tofu and mushroom stir-fry. I ordered her the meat platter that consisted of roast pork, BBQ pork and peking duck. By the end of the lunch, she was really feelin’ the tofu and really didn’t care much for the meat that she ordered. I was really pleased with this! She eats a lot of meat so I’m glad she liked the veggies (remember, her cooking was one of the reasons why I was doing all this in the first place). I told her next time we should definitely try the vegetarian place upstairs to where we were eating. She was hesitant and said, “You mean all they eat is vegetables?!” And I explained to her further that it was fake meat. She was baffled at the thought of fake meat and said, “Maybe on a day when I’m not hungry.”

Options for eating are getting better, I was a little disappointed today at Curry House at their tofu options (especially since they’re affiliated with House Tofu) I just really gotta get more inventive with my meals at home. My CSUN GF totally inspired me to take these veggie meals to the next level. We totally brainstormed ways we love to eat certain vegetarian friendly things. I was gone for most of the weekend, so I didn’t really cook, but tomorrow I think I’m going to make fake ground beef spaghetti and see if my Mom notices the difference. It’ll be interesting =)

Week Two Cheat/Pescatarian Tally
Friday, 7/2: Ate Fish! Had to (well not really…) but met up with my old students who I have not seen in a while. They treated me to sushi. I felt horrible to decline or offer another place because we had planned this way before I decided to go vegetarian. I actually ate all those crazy mixed cooked rolls, and I didn’t really feel good afterward. It was like seafood overload. WAY too much.

6/7 days vegetarian!!! WOOOO! I’m really proud of myself… and seriously, it was so easy! I also met my goal I set for the week

Next Week’s Goal: I am going to seriously try to cook at home more which is one of the main reasons why I decided to do all this in the first place. I guess it was a special occasion because it was a holiday weekend, but I’m really going to try to cook some filling vegetarian dishes. I’ll keep you posted on what I cook! Oh, and I’m going to try to incorporate my fitness routine in again, without feeling so hungry. Wish me luck!

Tags: 28, A Better Me, Adventures in Vegetarianism, Health and Fitness

Despite the overall content of the song (I don’t think I’d ever one night stand this dude), this song always reminds me of him! Hehe…

With much hesitation, he’s back in my life.

He/him for all the newbies to my web world was the cause of all my relationship and emotional strife at the tail end of college and the beginning of my working adult career. Confusion, ambiguity of feelings, and that over all crushing feeling of liking someone and them not liking you back caused a me a lot of mess with this boy back then. I put my feelings out there on the table (based on what I thought I was getting back from him) and instead he really left me high and dry without any answer as to how he felt. He’s kind of the reason why I started talking to exb0o again and well… yeah… I guess I have him to thank for the last six years huh? Hehe…

I remember how much I liked him. I never liked anyone the way that I liked him. It was weird because it didn’t seem right… it didn’t seem like a true feeling I should be feeling towards him because it seemed so unlike me to like a guy like him. He’s the Prince Charming type, and I’m more into the rough around the edges type. Everyone loved him, and I paid him no attention at all. I actually forgot the first time we met, and one time when we brought this up in conversation he like remembered it as if it were yesterday. I didn’t think he was anything to desire or be with, but when I got to know him better… well scratch that. When he got to know me better (because it was him who decided to talk to me and get to know me when I didn’t even pay him any attention) I realized how cool and great he was. I would see him and get nervous and not know what to say. I acted like a love struck character in a movie. I crushed on him hard and after much consideration and deliberation I finally decided to tell him how I really felt about him. We went through this twice, and twice he said…. nothing.

It’s not like he had no reaction he just reacted in a cop out sort of way. Like, I’m going to sort of tell you how I feel without telling you how I really feel (if that makes any type of sense at all because when it was happening to me, I really couldn’t make any sense of it either). Because of all this I decided I needed to separate myself from him and the situation. At the time, this was a very hard thing to do because he was my go to guy . The distance from him was hard to have, but I knew I needed it, even if I didn’t want it.

He tried very hard to get back that old feeling of not quite friends, not quite lovers that we both enjoyed while I was in college. I wasn’t hearing it though. I was still really mad at him for not being upfront about how he felt. I remember specifically when I started to push him away. I was really mean and unkind in my communication with him. I passive-aggressively acted in a fuck you for being wishwashy and not upfront with how you feel way and decided that our friendship was pretty close to non-existent.

That’s when I decided to reconnect with exb0o. I’m not going to blame him for all my exb0o strife because that’s my own fault, but timing definitely was everything. Eventually, I stopped being bitter about what had happened between us, and he and I tried to be friends again. With exb0o semi in the picture, I felt that it was easier to be friends with him because there was no romantic ambiguity between us. The last couple years we’ve kept a safe distance between each other, and I liked it. I was so used to him not being around, that it was ok that we were regular friends instead of close friends we once were that talked on a regular basis. I guess if I didn’t expect any emotional support from him, then he wouldn’t let me down. In the past few years I’d come to terms with the dynamics of our relationship. It didn’t phase me anymore that I used to like him and he didn’t like me back the way I wanted. I felt like I really got over things.

A few dinners ago (November maybe?), we were able to talk about all this in the past tense and he apologized for everything that had happened, and how things went down. I was shocked that we were talking about this because I had already come to terms with everything. He was finally being honest about how he felt about me and about the situation. Even though, during our conversation he was referring to someone else and how he had treated them, I chimed in saying that, “Look at us, after all we’ve been through, we’re still able to have dinner together and still be cool.” I brought it up, not really knowing what to expect in the form of a reply, but happy we were able to clear things up finally.

He recently moved to the area, so I’ve been seeing him a little more than I have in the last couple years. It’s really weird because part of me was really hesitant to let him in like that again. I didn’t want to go there even though there wasn’t even a place to go anymore. I was so hurt by him before that my natural reaction is to constantly be on the defensive with him. My heart is frantically sending messages to my brain reminding us of how bad it was when all that stuff went down with him, and doesn’t want to go there again… ever.

I feel like it’s different this time. I’m a much different person now than I was when I was twenty-four (eek!), and so is he. We both have gone through a lot of growing up so it’s good to be in this place together (figuratively, not literally). Lately, it seems like he’s one of the few people who really gets were I’m going with my thoughts and place in life at the moment. It’s like old times (minus the romantic undertones) at the same time, I’m hesitant to even be close like that anymore because of everything that happened before.

Even though I feel like I have control over my feelings, I don’t want to give us too much credit. It really isn’t one of those situations were I can confidently say I feel nothing, or I don’t find him attractive, because I spent a good part of my mid-twenties madly in love/like with this guy. I can’t say any of those things because I know I would be lying. At the same time, I can’t say the reverse either. The neutralness of the situation is starting to worry me. It’s as if I can’t believe after all these years I have no romantic feelings for him at all. It took a lot of work to get here.

I’m proceeding with much caution. As much of a roller coaster my relationship with exb0o was… he/him did the most damage and is the one to watch out for. Even though it’s strictly platonic, my guard is definitely WAY up.

Tags: 28, getting over you, Love Smarter

I still feel this way about them.

I never thought I’d be in this place. Six month into the year and I’m without some key players in my life. Though, history has shown that their absence from my life is never permanent it’s just been really overwhelming to be without them these last couple weeks. It’s been especially hard this past holiday weekend, it made me realize more just how difficult it’s been to be without them.

Or maybe absence does make the heart grow fonder?

Friendships are simple yet complicated all at the same time. After analyzing the three particular situations that have occurred the last couple months I keep thinking about my actions and reactions to these scenarios that occurred. Maybe I was too sensitive? Maybe I’m making a bigger deal out of it then I should? Maybe I should just say sorry? (even though there’s probably no reason to say sorry, but it’s just fitting because I’m the one that made my way out of the social circle in the first place).

Or maybe the distance is necessary… for now.

I don’t know… while driving yesterday I did find myself wanting to call and say hello, and wanting to text and say, “Hope you’re having a nice 4th of July.” I wanted to do these things, but then I opted not to. I’m not being prideful or anything, there was just something that clicked in my head and said maybe the timing isn’t right to do so. I don’t know exactly what sign or time I’m looking for to make amends with these friends, I just know that I’m not quite ready yet. Maybe they’re not ready yet either. I feel even uneasy writing about all this publicly, but if my dreams are any indicator of what’s been on my mind, I knew that this needed to get vented out… stat!

In addition to all this friendship reflection, I’ve been having nightmares about being ditched and left alone. The set up is different in each dream, but the end action is always the same. Someone (the person is different each time) I counted on and relied on up and leaves me and I’m left alone having to deal with the situation at hand. Each time I wake up, I feel incredibly hurt and frustrated. Even though it’s a dream, I still wake up with the same feelings of being alone and having to deal with that situation in my dream all by myself. Each morning for the last four days I’ve waken up in a funky haze of defeat, and it’s not really a nice way to start your day.

Now, I don’t know if these situations with my friends are touching on an even deeper psychological feeling of being alone, but it might be going there. Quintessentially, I have the same single parent household issues with abandonment that most of us have (that we don’t need to get into in this post). I guess what’s been really irking me about these dreams is the feeling of disappointment I feel when I wake up. Like yet another person I put my trust in has let me down. That issue all on its on is unrelated and bigger than any friendship beef that I could be enduring at the moment.

I am the last person to be whining about feeling alone, because I’m not. I’m truly blessed to have people (even the ones who are not physically present at the moment) who do love and care for me and would invite me to their house on Thanksgiving if I ended up being that friend, so in a way the logical side of my brain tries to reason myself out of feeling this way. Whenever I think about these feelings of loneliness I try to smash them down quickly. There’s no reason to feel this way, yet at the same time something inside of me defends the stance and reasons that I have every reason to feel this way. I truly don’t know what’s going on.

Personal issues aside, I know that time if anything is the one thing that will ease out the situations with my friends. I know they know that I miss them and I’m thinking about them and really do feel this absence from each other is temporary (at least for me), but sometimes in true blogger form the publish button does a lot more for a situation than actual face to face words do.

I know… that’s a good and bad thing at the same time, but it’s all I got… for now.

Tags: 28, Life, therapeutic mumblings

The best thing I've eaten since I started all of this.

Week One is over and let me tell you it’s been quite an ordeal trying to jump into this. Even though I’m going at it at my own pace and very slowly it has still been rough. It’s not so much that I’m not wanting to do it because I really am giving it a serious try and I honestly don’t miss the meat, but all things considered I think that the week has been a great success despite the difficulty it’s been getting adjusted.

I’ve stalked up my fridge with a lot of my veggie favorites. Firm Tofu, fake sausage patties from Morning Star and a lot of frozen veggie favorites from Trader Joes. It’s been good so far, but the one thing that I think we all run into when we have drastic changes to our diet is the “hungry” part. I’ve been really hungry the last couple days. I think if anything, it’s portions. I may not be eating enough and well… meat (especially if you’re a hardy meat eater like me) is just really, really filling. I can’t help it, it just is! So despite not needing to eat meat, it’s the fullness that I’ve been missing. I’m sure somewhere a long the way I can figure out how to conquer this feeling. It also doesn’t help that my sleeping patterns have been all wack so I haven’t been able to eat my regular three meals a day (which is a whole other post all together), so I’m thinking the combination of the whole thing has just made this a lot harder than I wanted it to be, but overall I think that it’s been ok.

I’ve become more sympathetic to vegetarians (seriously, I’m so not one… so I won’t even call myself one). It really is hard to eat! And I want to apologize like a million times over to any vegetarian who I’ve suggested to eat salad to as an option at any location or event. Salad is NOT filling… it’s so not a meal! I was at the food court at Culver City Mall (aka Fox Hills) on Saturday and my only warm food option was Sabbaro. I don’t loathe Sabbaro, but it isn’t exactly what I call filling and comforting. I had cheese pizza and a side of mixed vegetables. It did the job, but it’s pretty depressing if that’s all that was available to me. I mean I have the luxury of living in Los Angeles where being vegetarian means you can have Vegan Japanese food (which was pretty decent), Trader Joes/Whole Foods all over the place and Chipotle Garden Blend Burrito (which, I know are available outside of LA, but I’m sure the vegetarian in Wisconsin can’t get this. It was AMAZINGLY TASTY, but I think I need to give it another go because I was also very, very hungry at the time), but still… if you’re not around these things you’re kind of out of luck.

The other thing I noticed is that my sweet tooth has increased. I wonder if it’s because candy gives me a satisfying feeling that my body is lacking from my meals (and no it’s not because it’s that time of the month) I’ve noticed that my sweet meter is at an all time high. I like chocolate and other sweets, but I rarely CRAVE them to the point of urgency. I feel that it’s gotten to that. I wonder if lack of protein equals desire for chocolate. That might be it!

So each Wednesday, I’ve decided to update you on how I’m doing on my quest to try vegetarianism. I figured that if I document it I know what to tweak and what to work on. I’m also going to do a cheat update and what situations caused it. All for my own reference, but I’m sure if anyone is considering being vegetarian this summer as well they can work on it with me! =)

Week One Cheat/Pescatarian Tally
Thursday, 6/24: Ate pork! By accident, I swear! Went to Dim Sum with co-workers (probably the worst place to try and be vegetarian) Asked what was in it and I swore she said “scallops and taro” which I thought was interesting to try. Instead of this being a cheat day, I was actually just going to eat seafood and make it my pescatarian day. So much for that.

Sunday, 6/27: Ate fish. Mom has been trying so hard to be supportive through all this so when she excitedly brought home tofu and fish, I really felt bad for declining the fish, plus by this day I was really missing meat so I was glad to see fish from the Filipino store all waiting for me. It was more my bad than hers, but it was delish!

Wednesday, 6/30: Ate KyoChon! OH MAN… first off in my defense I had not eaten chicken in a really long time, so after declining it on Saturday while at the Culver City Mall, I just had to have it today. I felt incredibly guilty, but I reminded myself that I am trying this in baby steps so I’m giving myself a pass on this one. It was so delicious. I missed it so!

4/7 days fully vegetarian. Not so bad for a start. I’m still eating eggs though… which I know for some is a no go, but again I think for my version of Week One vegetarianism theses are some pretty good stats.

Next Week’s Goal: It’s 4th of July weekend so you know what that means… BBQ! We’re invited to at least two so I’m a little worried about how to act in a social situation. I don’t want to automatically play the “cheat” card because it’s a special occasion, so I will try very very hard to just eat whatever I can. I hope that I can at least get through one day out of the weekend without having to eat BBQ. The thought of eating red meat actually sounds so unappealing at the moment anyway so I think I’ll be ok. My goal is to have no meat cheats and exercise my fish day only once. We’ll see how it goes!

Tags: A Better Me, Adventures in Vegetarianism, Health and Fitness

I’ve been particularly reminiscent lately of the last four years of my life because of my journal re-reading. I do this all the time. I look at old entries and read them over. Remember the feeling and remember all the emotions that spurred that entry and I just feel so silly and old. So much time has passed and issues that were issues back then seem so insignificant. On the other hand, the main issues that seemed prevalent throughout my mid-twenties still seem to linger a bit. Even though I’ve kept them at bay, I still feel that there’s so much more room to grow.

2010 has brought so much perspective and clarity to so many facets of my life. I’m learning and growing in so many ways and despite the fact that I still have 20 more pounds to lose, I’m still living at home and I’m still not financially fit doesn’t mean that I haven’t made the right changes to get me to these goals. I’m trying to stay positive because I know that getting depressed and discouraged about these things just doesn’t help the situation much. I’m really trying to practice positivity in all aspects of my life… as much as I can, even in my love life.

I’m proud of the differences and my reaction to the issues that are still at hand. I know what I want and I know how to get it… it’s just a matter of being patient and sticking to the task at hand. It’s that inner growth that’s improved in my psyche, I just know better now about so many things.

At least I think I do…

Even though I feel like I’m making moves to get me in the right direction, and really find that better me that I’m searching for, I still feel stagnant sometimes. Like nothing is going forward or backward. Nothing too serious to the point where I need a life intervention (maybe… hehe) but nothing that doesn’t need minor tweaking in the next couple months. I know I’m headed in the right direction, I just wish I could get there sooner.

I’ve made improvements, but by all means folks, I am not perfect. And just like Eve and the apple, I still have my vices that lure me away from the path that I’m supposed to be on. The difference is, they don’t get to me as much as they used to. I’m trying really hard to make sure that I do things for me, and to act because that’s what’s expected of me. Although I enjoy an occasional pretzel M&M and pick up my phone when I shouldn’t I’m in a different place then I was a few months ago.

The difference this time around is that I know what I deserve and I know what’s good for me. I’m not going to let exb0o (or anyone else for that matter… in all facets of my life) make me settle for something that isn’t worth my time, effort and attention. I know this sounds so cryptic at the moment, but it’s just a reminder to my silly old self that even at the end of the age bracket I’m currently in, I’m still young and I still have a lot of time for everything to happen and fall into place.

Tags: 28, A Better Me, adulthood, Life, Love Smarter